Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   I changed my passwords to incorrect, so when I forget it tells me. Your password is incorrect. . .

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.