Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   I changed my passwords to incorrect, so when I forget it tells me. Your password is incorrect. . .

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.

   Life throws you s%it, but the s%it is not always a bad thing, it's taking you to better places…

   These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one.

   I wonder if you carpeted the sidewalks to cover all the cracks, if that would save all the mothers out there from paralyzation.

   I thought gold medal women's rowing was what happens outside pubs across Britain every Saturday night....

   believe in the magical idealism and the theory of the absolute individual

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   I am so lazy that I legitimately get angry when I have to change from the alphabet to numbers to symbol keyboards when typing a tweet