Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.

   If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet ?

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   it me or people who moved to a warmer weather have nothin to say on their post expect weather??

   A plumber's job can draining.

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I constantly keep looking at my phone

   How can one know what someone is doing when that someone does not know what they're doing

   Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.

   Why do ugly strippers charge as much as the pretty ones?

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   "Just rewards: Being the judge that willbe judging a hearing of your high school bully."

   Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?

   I had to quit drinking caffeine on DOCTOR'S orders and Alcohol on COURT orders.

   Thanks to Maury I've only had to buy one Mother's Day gift for several years.

   New drinking game! Have to drink every time Wolf Blitzer says "Votes"

   A recent survey shows men lie more than women. How do we know they were telling the truth though?