Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Now that it's New Year's eve I expect big big changes tomorrow!

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.

   Anyone remember a time before Facebook when you how to get your selfies developed then go around to all your friends houses to see if they liked them? Yeah neither do I.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   I've been working a side hustle delivering for restaurants and so far as I can tell, those X-rated movies are bull crap.

   Coronavirus is like a Thanos you can't see

   n't Coors Light a redundancy?

   Peppa Pig's Daddy: " No, kids, I never porked Mommy. That'd be redundant."

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   Running out of ideas for entertainment. Thinking about asking the neighborhood to gather in the street 6' apart and do the Hokey Pokey. After all, that is what it's all about.

   After the coronavirus passed I'm going to be in need a facebookers anonymous meeting.

   The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.