Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

   When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."

   Awwe darn it ...... I thought the election was today!

   If you paid to watch the Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar WWE fight ... GET A REFUND !

   I must be emotionally impotent, I haven't given a f**k in months

   So where did all those sapiosexuals disappear to ? Or was it a phase ?

   Apparently my snoring is louder than my cars sound system .

   I'm going to an all white New Year's Eve party and I have nothing to wear

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   I come from a long line of men who will happily answer to a name that is not their own, which may or may not sound vaguely similar to it.

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the world clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   Cupid is the perfect symbol for Valentine's Day. Because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   Love that feature facebook has that saves so much time scrolling the news feed you can find by going to settings then scrolling down the menu to the last botton on the bottom called log out.

   Facebook's down and I am poised at conquering the world!

   We were lucky that we didnt have Exit Polls during our school times.Otherwise, our parents would have started thrashing us 3-4 days in advance of results

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   Ever feel like the best thing in the world happens to you at the worst times?

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c