Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry, I didn't hear my phone ring. Your profile pic is too loud!

   My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.

   You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you

   Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre

   Manicure might have the word "Man" in it, but if you get one, you're gay.

   I don't know why my grandmother has a Facebook cause all her friends are Dead

   If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?....

   The only kind of meat a priest can eat on Good Friday is Nun.

   fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

   Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐

   I put in an URGENT REQUEST to Santa last night for a mirror so you can locate that STICK that's UP YOUR @$S and REMOVE IT!!

   FRIEND: Why do you spend so much time on Facebook? ME: I have serious digestive issues. I spend a lot of time on the toilet.

   what's for dinner

   Why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? Because 711492!!

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   wishes that OJ would have caught my ex wife eating Nicoles beaver instead of Ron Goldman

   Country music backwards . He gets his truck , his house and his dog back .

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.

   Cheesy pick up line for the weekend: "Well, your here so I got my treat.How about we go to my place for some tricks?"