Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Moms are really very clever!! within the first 10 minutes of visitng her, she read my mind better than I ever read it myself! I could never be a real man just like my own mother.. love you mom!! :-)

   it's going to be cold today, Nips don't lie. - update from Shakira

   thinking green so I'm gonna save some electricity and unplug my refrigerator then leave its contents outside

   told his mum that the screaming coming from the tv was in fact tennis players grunting when hitting the ball...Don't think she fell for it!

   O.J wants to move to Florida. Florida doesn't want him. He can move in with me, think of all the publicity I'll get. . .

   So, did he or did he not call the US justice system a disgrace? I'm so confused.

   Assume that anyone who is undecided at this point is trying to choose between Hillary and suicide.

   There are still areas in the Middle East without peace and where women don’t have equal rights. I was certain Jared and Ivanka would have fixed that by now.

   I've just realized that this growing old thing , ain't for woossies

   A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot day. Full of eggs and appealing for only a short time.

   Procrastinate now-don't put it off.

   ejaculate and evacuate

   The so called bullied became the bullies and are now bullying America because of one bully? What's next groping?

   Did Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam? If so she could assemble her suicide vest from all of those horrible movies she has made over her career.. Bombs.. get it..

   The real women's march takes place in New England when the Patriots take the field.

   Tom Brady is the one who threatened Stormy Daniels. I knew he was a douche! Now we have proof.

   Did you hear about the japanese lady that gave birth while taking a bath?she named her kid'' so kin wet''

   A weasel walks in a bar. Bartender says what ya have? Pop goes the weasel.

   You know your getting old, when you start changing your grammer in texts..you know "goin' - going, neva-never, ax-ask.

   I've always wanted to know what was Victoria's secret…