Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She puts the 'ass' in Picasso!

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   When did love ever adopt a religion? When did hearts think and not feel? We made of them a path of pain, when they should be a way to heal.

   Lance, Neil and now, Billie Joe!! Watch out Stretch!!!

   Because I'm a rule-breaker, I'm going to wear white after Labor Day! What!? You got something to say about it, punk??!

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   I tell you what, if any french publication decides to publish topless pictures of me someone will definitely be getting their @ss sued!

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow....I smoked it.

   ...“I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday”...

   it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?

   I bet Stevie Wonder's wife didn't see that divorce coming...

   You bound us together with your emotional handcuffs then swallowed the key. Now we're both waiting for it to come out the other end.

   Glancing in the mirror this morning, I gasped in horror. mouth opened I slowly raised my hand to my head and plucked not 1, but 2 grey hairs from my fringe line! it was at that moment in time that it finally hit me.....I'm getting old!!!

   I liked Seth Rogan better when he was George Costanza...

   So Lance Armstrong admitted to using drugs but he won't admit that he used a car instead of a bike in all his wins.

   my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet

   The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.

   I have DirecTV...where's my genie??

   切是食品 means "cutting food" not "everything that moves is food" sheesh.

   if anyone wants lobster they can eat me