Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

   I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.

   Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.

   watching paint dry

   . just like Ty-D-Bol, the blue wave will wash all the crap away.

   Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

   wondering what the hell Jesus ever did for Santa on his Birthday?

   watching the origin of the KKK on the history channel...take a stand and join the klan? that doesnt even rhyme...YA RETARDS.

   All gas station bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the “Saw” movies.

   BUDLIGHT's new promotion, Free knee pads with every purchase!

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at the same time.

   Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January

   WOOHOO! Passed my AIDS test! Got a 74%!

   Thinks......I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying

   Joan Rivers RIP. Its a big co-incidence it happened soon after your stark remarks about Gaza. God watches everything. Take a hint atheists

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   Lady GaGa just signed a deal with a major corporation to represent her new clothing line. Hillshire Farms.

   Am I the only one that uses the calculator on a cellphone to find out the best deal on beer by calculating the "cost/per ounce" ratio?

   School dress code is so dumb. Your shoulder can't show??? What boy is going to look at a girl and be like "DAMN THAT’S A FINE ASS SHOULDER!"

   Hey you know those Whitman's Samplers? I had a candy out of one called a Chocolate Truffle". I really dug the sample. So like, where do I get the big fu*ker?