Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   facebook is for fun and entertainment and I Don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun :)~

   doctors finally figured out whats wrong with peoples brains; on the left side, there's nothing right; and on the right side, there's nothing left…

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" is a fancy way of saying "You look hot!"

   That moment when customers at CVS see that all the toys are dancing and singing & I'm the only one standing in the aisle. I like to push all the buttons.

   read a status today which read "OMG I might miss my flight which is due in an hour!" As long as your priorities are straight mate...and you could waste yet more time just to let us know that on facebook! Thanks I can die happy I guess..

   I'm just wondering where you keeping the money you are going to pay me''

   Bradley Cooper is has been chosen as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Maybe next year I'll make it out of the final round...

   at the DMV....I guess there on the honor system...I'm 3 inches taller and I just lost 65lb's.

   When you were younger and you would close your eyes to rinse the shampoo and that feeling like something was going to get you

   I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.

   the "ESC" button is NOt for teleportation. You will never escape.

   wishes Santa would stop allowing bullying at the North Pole. Stop allowing the laughing at others and name calling.

   Googled ,what women hate about men and a picture of me appeared ..!!!

   SO THAT"S what a Super Massive Black Hole IS !? HUH ! I was thinking something TOTALLY DIFFERENT !

   "Please die please die" - when I see someone I know walking towards me to say Hi

   Whenever a woman says "I want to show you something", I always reply "Okay!" in as fast as 0.03475 secs.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge… how the Hell did that get there?

   Adele announced she is pregnant. If she has the baby in the next few days, you guys are going to feel terrible for calling her fat.