Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Easiest job in the world, janitor for a country music bar. Genuine out-house smell intact? Yes. Do nothing.

   You know you've made a mistake when you accept a friend request from someone, look at their page, then notice it says you have "27 Mutual Victims."

   Tequila and my phone formed an alliance to show my ex that I will never really be over her.

   There's so many of you I can see myself leaving my wife for. Luckily I made a list in case I ever get the chance. Thanks for being naughty

   so my son stayed up until 11 last night watching a movie with us and he still got up at 6:45am... hmmm, next time use vodka in his juice maybe? Hey, I just drugged you, this is crazy, but here's a pillow, sleep in maybe?!?!?!

   Dear CNN, Thankyou for putting Gu Kailal as Top news today-Syria

   I had a dream last night that I met Skrillex and I told him NOT to star in the remake of "The Crow", that it would ruin Brandon Lee's legacy. He agreed.

   I don't like the cut of your gib and ya got no mojo!

   I've gotten to the point where breathing makes me sweat. Then the exertion of sweating makes me sweat.

   It only two dangling thingys and I still dont know which one to pull....-ceiling fans all over the world!

   if there's too much sauce on the biscuit.. you better find another biscuit to eat! ;)

   Headed out and about shopping, maybe the mall and trying out my new Mistletoe belt buckle!!

   "I must say the end of the year has kinda dragged on without new episodes of 'HERE COME HONEY BOO BOO!' every week"

   Nice to see the government screwing with the public's intelligence about the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty'. Too bad it's total fiction.

   Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."

   "Deep Inpact" is a fictional movie about our government reacting to an enormous problem buy trying to destroy it from existance thus resulting in creating two separate problems, 1 huge and 1 big. Sounds like reality to me.

   I don't think Lance Armstrong's missing ball was ever real... I heard it and Manti Te'o's girlfriend were recently seen on vacation together in Mexico...

   TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces