Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on the days I don't show up to work, ima tell my boss, I didn't miss work, I missed practice, we not talking about work here, we're talking about PRACTICE!

   Confucious say man who not married not quite ready , when he get married he finished

   If I dont see you this Easter, Hide your own balls

   Would go play on the playground, but doesn't have anyone to push him on the swings or sit on the see saw with

   No, you didn't get me. If you did, I would be screaming in pain, unconcious or dead!

   ever have the feeling someone is watching you? I guess it doesn't help that I'm looking into this mirror.

   I tried to grow a weed plant before, it didn't turn out so good. Gardening wasn't my calling

   Every year at this time I question who decided this Halloween candy is the "Fun" size. These people must really live a boring existence.

   Chat line commercials ,,those hot babes getting all sexed up to talk on the phone...yeah right ,guys give your head a shake.!!!!

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   You're damn straight I'm jealous! I'm buying a cage and putting you in it. No more seeing other cats.

   Ask Goggle to 'do a barrel roll'. Hang on to your hat!

   avoids going to museums for fear he will get stuck overnight when everything comes alive.

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   We want to find them so we can give them a big hug, american style!

   Thinks this might be a terrorist plot to infultrate and put fear in the NBA?

   "I woke up in a new back alley..." MC Hammer

   Thinking about kicking her out my Cheaters Elite club! I only deal with ppl who can find the answers for quizes fast! Not slow ppl who needs me to show them how Google came up with the answers..