Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

   "I'm gonna poke everyone's girlfriend and wife just to see who responds.." wait for it...

   At least pizza won't keep you up at night with it's loud snoring

   I get all my dating advice from my Wife's boyfriend. Then I do the opposite.

   "I need dat and dat and dat" - stomach

   It seems as if I come across the most scary spiders while I'm in the bathroom. For that, I am somewhat grateful

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it…

   *suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   Do not bother me with stupid $h!t. What is stupid $h!t? It is anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   My awesomeness z like an epiphany... It comes and goes, can never see it coming nor can you try to stop it.

   Back when I was a kid, there was no internet.....So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a c&%t

   Women who get breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   In Africa we experineve governemt shut down everyday I'm hustling hustling hustling

   See how everyone forgot... The comet that will be here on December 25th, is just one of Santa's Reindeers

   I know that the change in seasons is good, fireplaces, hot toddy's, we need the rain, etc. But couldn't we just set our clocks back again please, to, I dunno, July???!!!

   the reason it's called the deadlift is because the bloke who came up with it died.

   Apparently it is National Pancakes Day. Dreams really do come true!

   I hear there is a job opening at the Bit-coin Company.

   Why has no Media source asked J. J. Abrams where Malaysia flight 370 is?

   Malaysia Air uses Waze Maps