Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're alone on Valentine's day to feel better just remember how for the love of a woman St. Valentine was in imprisoned then beat to death with clubs!

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?

   The Feast of San Gennaro. The Italian version of carnival food on a street decorated with signs on sticks of the Blessed Virgin Mary begging for money.

   I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   A homeless man asked for money today and instead I gave him my thoughts and prayers. We had a good laugh until he gave me a concussion.

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.

   Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second...

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   I can't believe I'm still pissed off the the NBA title went to Canada.

   If the cops lied about me on 17 different accounts during their investigation, I would be found guilty too.

   Happy Valintimes, as I love you more then I can express on a website sent by means of a plastic artificial intelligence device <3

   The pubs in Ireland are closed until Aug 10. Pubs in Ireland. So by all means lets open Cracker Barrel right now.

   Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.

   My Pinterest account was hacked godammit. As soon as I find out who's responsible, I'm knitting a voodoo doll. No one fcuks with SewEZ2love

   Went grocery shopping hungry. Left with 3 cases of beer and a bag of pretzels.