Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flush twice. Key West needs water.

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   You're damn straight I'm jealous! I'm buying a cage and putting you in it. No more seeing other cats.

   Ask Goggle to 'do a barrel roll'. Hang on to your hat!

   avoids going to museums for fear he will get stuck overnight when everything comes alive.

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   We want to find them so we can give them a big hug, american style!

   Thinks this might be a terrorist plot to infultrate and put fear in the NBA?

   "I woke up in a new back alley..." MC Hammer

   Thinking about kicking her out my Cheaters Elite club! I only deal with ppl who can find the answers for quizes fast! Not slow ppl who needs me to show them how Google came up with the answers..

   Easiest job in the world, janitor for a country music bar. Genuine out-house smell intact? Yes. Do nothing.

   You know you've made a mistake when you accept a friend request from someone, look at their page, then notice it says you have "27 Mutual Victims."

   Tequila and my phone formed an alliance to show my ex that I will never really be over her.

   There's so many of you I can see myself leaving my wife for. Luckily I made a list in case I ever get the chance. Thanks for being naughty

   so my son stayed up until 11 last night watching a movie with us and he still got up at 6:45am... hmmm, next time use vodka in his juice maybe? Hey, I just drugged you, this is crazy, but here's a pillow, sleep in maybe?!?!?!

   Dear CNN, Thankyou for putting Gu Kailal as Top news today-Syria

   I had a dream last night that I met Skrillex and I told him NOT to star in the remake of "The Crow", that it would ruin Brandon Lee's legacy. He agreed.

   I don't like the cut of your gib and ya got no mojo!

   I've gotten to the point where breathing makes me sweat. Then the exertion of sweating makes me sweat.