Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think its time to give in to sin. The devil on my right shoulder just killed the angel on my left with his pitchfork.

   *door knock* Me: who is it?..Him: Rick Ross tha Boss..Me: *runs to kitchen, puts a lock on the fridge and hides the key*

   Irene knocked out my power and I suppose it wasnt the best idea to eat all of the food in my fridge before it goes bad. I just had some warm apple juice and icecream soup and now I am pregnant with a vicious food baby. I predict birth in about 20mins.

   I ate all of the Girl Scout cookies : ( Do you think Michelle Obama would mind if I buy some more??

   Rednecks took the phrase "going around in circles" and turned it into a sport for folks with single digit IQ's.

   Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the leader of the free world should be pissing his pants.

   --^v--^v--^v--^v--^v_______literally bored to death_____

   hasn't spoken to bigfoot in a while.

   HOW DOES A PERSON WITH EPILEPSY INTERPRET "CARPE DIEM"?

   England: The country where Pizza gets to your house quicker than the Police

   ..when people write "is ;-)" as their stat message,you tend to think,well,if I was ";-)" would I stop and write a stat update about it? Obviously you're not ";-)" very well.

   Facebook just pulled an Obama and started accepting gay ads.

   "Mona Lisa sucked my kock once" Leonardo Da Vinci

   your destiny

   I think Kayne West sould make an appearance on the Jay Leno Show and be like... "I'll let you get back to your show in a minute I just wanna say Conan O'brien has a much better show"

   #AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack

   Rough day. Truck broke down, went to find help, ended up in a human centipede.

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush

   A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!