Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   Xbox games should come with the warning "Caution! This game could cause temporary Tourette's Syndrome"

   i like my coffee with half and half... half cream and sugar and half coffee

   can't seem to find East Virgina on any of the maps he is looking at

   Requesting the Mariachi to play "La Cucaracha" at a Mexican Restaurant is not a good idea but I'll do it cause I'm gangsta.

   I have enjoyed my Childhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery.

   This is my last cookie......-eats it then gets a few more-

   I met a girl today in class, she told me to call her. So I found her on fbook and messaged her instead. Swag.

   My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find. By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived.

   You never know how strong you really are until you quit bathing.

   I think its time to give in to sin. The devil on my right shoulder just killed the angel on my left with his pitchfork.

   *door knock* Me: who is it?..Him: Rick Ross tha Boss..Me: *runs to kitchen, puts a lock on the fridge and hides the key*

   Irene knocked out my power and I suppose it wasnt the best idea to eat all of the food in my fridge before it goes bad. I just had some warm apple juice and icecream soup and now I am pregnant with a vicious food baby. I predict birth in about 20mins.

   I ate all of the Girl Scout cookies : ( Do you think Michelle Obama would mind if I buy some more??

   Rednecks took the phrase "going around in circles" and turned it into a sport for folks with single digit IQ's.

   Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the leader of the free world should be pissing his pants.

   --^v--^v--^v--^v--^v_______literally bored to death_____

   hasn't spoken to bigfoot in a while.

   HOW DOES A PERSON WITH EPILEPSY INTERPRET "CARPE DIEM"?

   England: The country where Pizza gets to your house quicker than the Police