Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For a sec I thought I was watching a Grammys rerun

   says what's the difference between two Johnsons and a joke? Wimmun can't take a joke!

   Lebron flashes his pen*s on live TV and all of the sudden all straight guys turn gay and are running to see it

   Maybe suicide bombers get 72 virgin daquiri's. You don't know.

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   I'm the irrelevance in the room.

   A word from our sponsors. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Because it's Thanksgiving and gobble, gobble. . .

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   You have cunninglus licked once you get past the smell.

   After 6,000 selfies you'd think we get it, you think you're hot.

   MY BROTHER HAS BEEN STUDYING the CIVIL WAR....he went Gettysburg to walk the actual scenes of the battlefield....but the gate was LOCKED.....unfortunately the history of our nation's fallen heroes is not priority for some leaders.. ..MANY believe it is mo

   AD/HD HGHWAY TO ....hey look , a squirrel

   Join the rev al sharpton and boycott Barney's

   I gave her the ring but she gave me the finger.

   how do you even tell your girlfriend you want armpit sex? “babe, there’s this thing, wait, hold on your arm, stop asking what I’m doing”

   What does JK Rowling text her friends to let them know that she was just kidding?

   When an ignorant person feels that he won an argument he loses. When he loses an argument, he actually wins knowledge.

   hey people who pull the finger in pics; what;s wrong? Did the camera lens bully you?

   My favorite part of a date is when he walks her to the door and kisses her goodnight and I cry in my car watching

   Washington can just change their mascot to a potato. Problem solved.