Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"

   I was going to start running today but then I decided to eat 6 tacos instead.

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   shootin deer drinkin beer. its all I think about

   If the snow wears white in Winter why can't we?

   Use the work "asterisk" in a sentence: I regret that I have but one asterisk for my country.

   my clothes are christian...this week in the laundry they gave up some lint for lent

   I am not above speaking in tongues and praising Lucifer to make the neighbors go away.

   Given all the turmoil in the world, Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.................. And on and on. I don't like Miracle Whip. I just want good old Duke's Mayonnaise.

   If I'm ever in a convenience that is getting robbed, I'm loading my pockets before the police get there.

   For a sec I thought I was watching a Grammys rerun

   says what's the difference between two Johnsons and a joke? Wimmun can't take a joke!

   Lebron flashes his pen*s on live TV and all of the sudden all straight guys turn gay and are running to see it

   Maybe suicide bombers get 72 virgin daquiri's. You don't know.

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   I'm the irrelevance in the room.

   A word from our sponsors. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Because it's Thanksgiving and gobble, gobble. . .

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   You have cunninglus licked once you get past the smell.

   After 6,000 selfies you'd think we get it, you think you're hot.