Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   she's so sexy I won't let her in the bathroom with me for the fear of wet ceiling tiles, RJ

   The power of the human brain is amazing!!!! Did you know if you pretend to take a salt shaker and shake it on your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste salt???!!!

   terrifoed that these are our kids 'good ole days'

   Dude, you was that drunk..... When I asked you what happened to the bottle of Tequila you said...."I plead the Cinco de Mayo"

   Since I've started laying crack rocks on top of all my junk nothing had been stolen and everything is organized...

   Hey, I just met you, and this crazy, but here is my dumbell so spot me maybe??!!

   Happy Mamacita's Day to all the Senoritas who played for keeps

   All Hitachi appliances and products vibrate.

   Did you hear about the circus fire? It was In-Tents!!

   If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and cats always land feet first, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?

   Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

   I`m gonna dress up like Sandy for Halloween, think that costume will blow people away!

   Girl: I wasn't that drunk. Guy: You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice.

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   You ever posted something and before you can even proofread it there's like 50 million likes?

   Women who are addicted to sex are called 'nymphomaniacs', while men who are addicted to sex are called 'men.

   did yuo konw taht as lnog as the frist and lsat lteter is in the rghit palce you can sitll raed tihs?

   Say it to my face coward, not through your status.

   What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom?

   Can you people leave me Alone!!! I already talked to Oprah.......