Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

   I`m gonna dress up like Sandy for Halloween, think that costume will blow people away!

   Girl: I wasn't that drunk. Guy: You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice.

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   You ever posted something and before you can even proofread it there's like 50 million likes?

   Women who are addicted to sex are called 'nymphomaniacs', while men who are addicted to sex are called 'men.

   did yuo konw taht as lnog as the frist and lsat lteter is in the rghit palce you can sitll raed tihs?

   Say it to my face coward, not through your status.

   What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom?

   Can you people leave me Alone!!! I already talked to Oprah.......

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"

   I was going to start running today but then I decided to eat 6 tacos instead.

   ****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int

   shootin deer drinkin beer. its all I think about

   If the snow wears white in Winter why can't we?

   Use the work "asterisk" in a sentence: I regret that I have but one asterisk for my country.

   my clothes are christian...this week in the laundry they gave up some lint for lent

   I am not above speaking in tongues and praising Lucifer to make the neighbors go away.

   Given all the turmoil in the world, Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.................. And on and on. I don't like Miracle Whip. I just want good old Duke's Mayonnaise.

   If I'm ever in a convenience that is getting robbed, I'm loading my pockets before the police get there.