Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was Nelson Mandela the driver of Paul Walker's car?

   Why is it that a dog can smell a hamburger from a mile away but has to get within a 1/2 an inch to smell another dog's butthole?

   They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

   I wonder if I have ever bought milk from the same cow twice?

   Nothing says Christmas in the South like cranking up the air conditioner while waiting for the tornado warning. . .

   YouTube video: "How to stop procrastinating." Me: [Add to Watch Later]

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.

   When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?

   If we make impeachment pay-per-view, we can clear the entire national debt.

   Obama ethics lawyer slams Ivanka hiring as unethical. You should never hire someone you want to bang.

   Who hates the trumps, especially the first lady? Google Lynn Yaeger. WOW I feel sad for her

   Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

   traveling deep into Mordor and picking up the kid's from Sauron's house.

   real eyes realize real lies

   I have 20/20 vision but i'm having a hard time reading this blurry code I have to enter online.

   Some advice guys: If your girlfriend is working out in your living room apartment, & there's a knock at the door from the tenant beneath you asking if there's live animals in the apartment, answering "pretty much" isn't such a good idea.

   's dog may be getting too old. he/she fell over when I tried to ride him/her.

   has to go pee. and soon, or it's gonna be a BP

   Michael Jordan Brand Condoms - They make sure you score." Sold at your nearest Jordan Brand Supplier.

   You look like the type of guy who enjoys a nice Fromunda Cheese sandwich.