Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the right age to tell a highway he was adopted? Wont be long til he realizes he doesn't look anything like me

   Has anyone out there ever tried Auto Erotic Asphyxiation? I haven't...just curios if anyone else has....

   C.R.O.W.S = Can't Remember Our Winning Song

   Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

   Recent studies show that┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─ can be very effective in dealing with cases of chronic boredom. Use with caution - too much may lead to an addiction.

   Victoria Secrets catalog just arrived, my wife has informed me that none of the women are real, just cgi and photoshop....sigh!

   just got the call that I'm going to be on national TV tomorrow night (Saturday). I haven't said anything about it because I didn't know when it was going to be on. Make sure you look for me at 8pm on Fox

   A baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out.

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   Roses are red. Bullets have lead. Take me back. Or get shot in the head.

   now friends with Mili Vanilli

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   “Ever tried to push a piece of wood underwater?” - Mary telling her girlfriends about how she washes Jesus.

   ROTFLMAOASTC

   You don't need to attend every argument you are invited to...

   A report says Fred Flintstone forced a 16-year-old girl into having sex with him and Barney Rubble......

   Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

   I've beaten my addiction to Heroin, so Yay for eating soup with spoons again

   have you every noticed that the constitution has been amended 27 time in the last 200 years...... Except for that 2nd rule which everyone defends but nobody follows responsibly!

   Jon & Kate's marital counselor.