Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never thought it would happen but I actually got hungry watching 2 girls 1 cup

   says if silence is golden, then no more Billy Mays is priceless.

   My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar Current government: You’re hired

   My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

   When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

   If a man gives you an engagement ring without a wedding date, you're not engaged. You're on lay-away.

   Micheal Jackson was as straight as curly fries.....

   asks if FedEx and UPS were to merge, would the new company be called FedUp?

   My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...

   ‎1. Go to Google maps. 2. Go to 35 Sampsonia Way, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. 3. Click street view. 4. Turn the view around. 5. ??? 6. lol

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 12 baby seals; a new personal best.

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you have to admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   elevated to the point of reversing gravity

   wonders if Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   Now the movie Titanic is available on 3D...Maybe now they'll be able to see the icebergs

   Never let your mouth be Broadband when your brain's on Dial Up.

   I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake up call. She told me "Trump lost, Joe Biden is now your president".

   Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I still have 4 1/2 hours of work left.

   it happy impeachment or merry impeachment? I don't want to offend anyone.

   Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor