Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should have gone with the original Superbowl halftime show plan with Melania dancing on the pole. She's a better and experienced pole dancer than the Weeknd as a singer.

   Did some cleaning early this morning...went out and ran the vacuum over the driveway just to ensure my neighbors never talk to me....

   So you're telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it's cute, but when I do it I need an intervention?

   A blind Indian girl wanted me to touch her clothes to see how soft they were. I felt sari for her.

   I found a 129.00 Kylie Minogue concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.

   If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.

   I’m having an out of money experience.

   So if Jesus came down from heaven, do you think the Ghostbuster's Proton Packs would work on him?

   Hey Obama! Swedish called, they want their Nobel Peace Prize back!!

   Never thought it would happen but I actually got hungry watching 2 girls 1 cup

   says if silence is golden, then no more Billy Mays is priceless.

   My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar Current government: You’re hired

   My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

   When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

   If a man gives you an engagement ring without a wedding date, you're not engaged. You're on lay-away.

   Micheal Jackson was as straight as curly fries.....

   asks if FedEx and UPS were to merge, would the new company be called FedUp?

   My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...

   ‎1. Go to Google maps. 2. Go to 35 Sampsonia Way, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. 3. Click street view. 4. Turn the view around. 5. ??? 6. lol

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 12 baby seals; a new personal best.