mickey Funny Status Messages

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.

   "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."

   Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.

   This country needed a good weeding out. And Trump is the one who brought the weed whacker.

   n't the bigger question: How many people attended the Hillary Inauguration?

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   The Honeymooners, The Flintstones, The King Of Queens, The Simpsons and The Family Guy. They all star big dudes with thin chicks. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR US, MIKE N' MOLLY!

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.

   A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."