Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two mass shootings in just over a week. Sure signs that the US is reopening and recovering from the pandemic.
←Rate | 03-23-2021 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally ruined my wife's Chic record. I hope she doesn't freak out.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Getting old is trying to decide whether to roll to your right or roll to your left after getting the dog’s ball from under the couch
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
←Rate | 03-22-2021 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.
←Rate | 03-21-2021 23:43 by CrispyBacon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.
←Rate | 03-21-2021 06:43 by Bill Comments (0)  

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