hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry, but since when did an unmarried minority couple naming their baby something stupid become news?

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

   This driving test is going terribly.

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

   first rule of fight club is no fighting. welcome to contradicton club everyone have a seat and dont have a seat. also this isnt contradicton club

   *christopher walken giving tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unnecessary pause* for walken

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

   Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

   My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.