SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.