SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   "I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play." -Ralph Lauren

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn't Realize I Was Retarded.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette