Mickey Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.
←Rate | 09-23-2016 15:32 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.
←Rate | 01-23-2017 10:41 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.
←Rate | 01-22-2012 16:00 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.
←Rate | 01-22-2012 22:28 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."
←Rate | 02-07-2012 09:51 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."
←Rate | 05-13-2012 08:05 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.
←Rate | 05-01-2012 09:47 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.
←Rate | 12-30-2012 08:20 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
←Rate | 01-17-2017 13:00 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.
←Rate | 01-16-2013 20:27 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.
←Rate | 01-03-2013 09:28 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon This country needed a good weeding out. And Trump is the one who brought the weed whacker.
←Rate | 01-27-2017 13:20 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't the bigger question: How many people attended the Hillary Inauguration?
←Rate | 01-24-2017 03:46 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."
←Rate | 05-15-2013 15:30 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.
←Rate | 11-06-2016 06:39 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Honeymooners, The Flintstones, The King Of Queens, The Simpsons and The Family Guy. They all star big dudes with thin chicks. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR US, MIKE N' MOLLY!
←Rate | 02-08-2012 17:12 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.
←Rate | 03-11-2012 20:24 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"
←Rate | 01-03-2014 15:11 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 10:58 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."
←Rate | 02-05-2013 16:53 by Mickey Comments (0)  

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