HiYourJon Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."
←Rate | 06-14-2013 20:57 by hiyourjon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.
←Rate | 06-18-2013 19:47 by hiyourjon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.
←Rate | 06-21-2013 23:56 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead
←Rate | 06-19-2013 20:33 by hiyourjon Comments (0)  

   messageicon *christopher walken giving tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unnecessary pause* for walken
←Rate | 06-28-2013 10:56 by hiyourjon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
←Rate | 05-30-2012 16:51 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.
←Rate | 12-25-2013 18:00 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.
←Rate | 11-24-2013 14:15 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?
←Rate | 05-06-2013 21:23 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.
←Rate | 08-17-2013 16:03 by hiyourjon Comments (0)  

   messageicon " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.
←Rate | 08-15-2013 18:43 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.
←Rate | 05-19-2013 11:54 by HiYourJon Comments (1)  

   messageicon Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
←Rate | 02-11-2014 22:21 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 13:30 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Very hard explaining to a 4yo how paper beats rock. None of us likes it, that's just the way it is, but we accept it and move on.
←Rate | 07-06-2013 12:10 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.
←Rate | 06-25-2012 14:51 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.
←Rate | 07-18-2013 01:30 by HiYourJon Comments (1)  

   messageicon There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:41 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
←Rate | 06-28-2012 15:23 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush
←Rate | 06-13-2013 00:48 by hiyourjon Comments (0)  

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