Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have s-e-x, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Your mamma hole is so hairy , it was a guest on Duck Dynasty

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   How much douche could a douche bag douche if a douche bag could bag douche?

   Flynn has agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. "Can someone please offer me a deal?" responds Melania Trump.

   Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.

   "Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people

   I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....

   Having some memory problems? Should we call for a doctor?

   if you had one chance, one opportunity, to eat warm regurgitated food or fresh dog po0, what will you take? Hilarious or Dumph?

   What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint

   The GOP memo is out and it said the groundhog saw it's shadow which means one more year of Trump aaaannnndddd I don't know what the hell I'm talking about....

   Valentine's Day. The one day out of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century. They’re millennial falcons.

   Some images contained herein may not be appropriate for all ages. Viewer discretion advised.

   Stop telling me where you like to put your handbag!!! (although I am not sure what your handbag has to do with your breasts unless you say you rest it on your chest ...).

   I think my cat wanna play hide n seek, thing is I always win when I shake a bag of cat food

   I have a chef and a dentist here. You realize what this means right? We can finally clear up the confusion over the origin of tartar sauce!

   Was once told that you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one...by the time I realized it was a figure of speech... She had already hit the ground.

   THE lOHANS ARE BETTER THAN ANY FAKE REALLITY SHOW!!