Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fifty Shades of Grey, has many "happy endings".

   The difference between guys and dogs is that dogs can be trained.

   if "nice guys finish last" then why do women go for the bad boys 1st?....dont you want a guy that lasts longer in the bedroom?

   hates how I run out of toilet paper.. but never out of poop

   Toilet paper is a lot like money... You never seem to have any when you need it most!

   My last words on death row will be "Thank you."

   Facebook should rename itself to Stalkbook!

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   JAB: I woke up all excited this morning, got dressed to go to work,it's Friday: Pay day and than I realized, I don't have a job and went back to bed. . .

   Thinking that girl was special, then you realized that she's like that with everyone.

   Economists do it with models

   I Left Bread Crumbs Behind So I'll Never Forget Where I Came From.

   Watching a good movie but doesn't know why people put sex on DVDs

   A*s....its the theme of the day! I feel like it, look like it, hopefully don't smell like it and probably am one!

   Figuring out a waman's age by checking out her friends list

   A villain is feared in proportion to the quality of his henchmen.

   By the time you recognize the opening drums from "Superstition" on my spacious dance floor, you're already pregnant.

   I don't want to brag but if kissing was a city, I would be its mayor.

   Larry Page : So we need cellphones? Go buy Motorola. Secretary : Ok (10 mins later) Secretary : Bought it. Larry : ok...which model ? ......Secretary : Model ?

   You're the best part of my day