Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to try and say this te nicest way possible. wait I better hold my tounge when I say .... "FQ!"

   "Welcome To The Jingle" ~ Bells

   if cannibal kids are in the yard playing with neighborhood children, is that considered "playing with their food"?

   Love hurts, and will tear us apart. Also, timber wolves.

   I swear people don't know how long the things they say can stay in someone's head.

   ...Be enhanced by your strengths, not inhibited by your struggles...(",)

   the amount of times ones mother enters the room whilst one is watching a movie is equally proportional to the amount of times that a "s*x scene" appears in the movie, and so it seems!

   Old Bay, A1, and hot sauce. That's my "I Put That S**T on everything" list.

   You only think I'm engaged in ur pathetic life story, om really wondering if monkey nipp!es get hard when theyre cold

   B: "I'm so mad at you." Me: "Why? I've only been awake 15 seconds." B: "A girl in my dream was flirting with you!" Me: "I'm sorry that a fictional girl flirted with me. Was she blonde? I like blondes." B: "You should give up talking for lent."

   Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

   You're thin, entertaining, I love staying up all night with you and falling asleep by your side. I love you laptop.

   Heaven is a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   Why can't happiness be as contagious as the flu. "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I have a bad case of 'the happiness'."

   GIRL: "You give me butterflies" BOY: "You give me b0ners"

   I don't know why Sluts have a hard time Saying "No". They heard the word "No" everytime they asked their Dads for a hug.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

   If you're ugly and you know it, put some makeup on, take a picture and add some Instagram filters and you're good to go.