Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.

   Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?

   I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world.

   If I am not supposed to eat Tide pods then why are they citrus flavored?

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   : Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.

   . Why is it that you park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway ?

   With Lynn Yaeger, we dont need a new Pennywise. She will scare you and steal your shoes.

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.

   JAB, I've declared myself to be totally insane, what's your excuse. . .

   I always leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the wall so it feels neglected.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   Some girls should be given a separate web space where domains start from 'AWWW' instead of 'WWW'

   My first potential date since my breakup was canceled due to sleep. Also, her boyfriend might have been upset.

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   why do people say something is to die for? If you die, you can't eat it...

   it is so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!