Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet that hookers calculate their profits and losses by using a spread sheet.

   Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people

   “Feeling sad? We can help make it worse” - online dating

   Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.......

   It's almost 2015, why don't we have hoverboards yet?" he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.

   *Sees window of opportunity... *Cleans it.

   Please specify orientation ?heterosexual ?bisexual ?homosexual ?asexual ?metrosexual ?getnosexual?

   Fu*k all of that Hump Day bullsh*t and stay the hell out of my way cause I hereby designate this Wednesday as five finger death punch day.

   richey rich needs to loan our country some money

   Hey everybody I'm unique! Just like everybody else on facebook! But please give me validation anyways.

   i'm hoping I don't wake up naked in my neighbours yard again this hey years.

   Deductive reasoning skills are a double-edged sword. You see, those of us who are self-motivated, pay attention to detail and use deductive reasoning must be punished for how we make those who don't "feel..."

   What do guys names Scott say when they are surpised? "Great Dan"?

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Beetles, Beatles same diff

   So, Some Congressmen want to force the Redskins to change their name?  They are just upset because their last decent season was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America...

   Fart along if you feel like you really gotta poop, because I'm gassy. Pharell Williams looking for a toilet.

   Million dollar idea: Nothing's better than the smell of a new born baby. Now if we could figure out how to bottle that in a mans cologne. Hear that sound? That's the sound of bra's snapping all over.

   And that attracts men who like a woman who doesn't spit. . .

   new rule....everyone given a "life sentence" by a judge has to start racing NASCAR.....one of them will die fast