Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Nothing like choking someone with love to make them run away from you. 
Depression usually creeps in at the end of the football season, but this year I'll keep myself happy by viewing the highlights of Peyton Manning expressions!
NO your not!
To be fair, your friends never thought you were funny. Maybe They just figured out where you got your material. How bout you contribute some one liners for the rest of us.
Anyone up for a Zombie FlashMob around Halloween time? Start with"Thriller" dance then if public doesn't like...flip the switch it becomes a Zombie Invasion
it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.
Taking a deep breath and counting to ten helps me not do that, if you're wondering.. that's the same thing meatloaf won't do. . .
Man if I don't get my ex back today thisis the 742nd last straw!
If the power of the mind is so strong,why cant it clean my house while I sit here and think hard about it.
When nobody understands what you are talking about, you're either a genius, insane, or you're my GF.
I go from love to restraining order in one marriage.
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."-----JFK he was not Just kidding.
Ladies, we can tell when you take a naked pic and try to crop it down to a head/shoulder shot.
When the stalker becomes the stalked.
Behind every man with great s tatus you pdates is either a beautiful woman who has inspired him or destroyed him.
Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /
Majority of people prepared to die for their rights are also willing to lie to avoid their responsibilities.
I bought new c#m catchers, I mean socks. . .
It's not Adam and Steve it's Adam and “we need to talk”
Which surprise would be worse .The 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, or "Just look at the flowers" kind. 