Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie!

   Well I won the predometer challenge at work !! 70miles I did!!!woo hoo.. Prize??? 1 free Gym membership..ME!? GYM!? lol only machine I use in the Gym is the one selling Mars Bars,Crisps and Twix's !!!

   Those people that make fun of you for flinching are annoying. Of course I try to avoid getting hit in the face.

   I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Never buy my grandchildren's christmas presents in november. They really seem fun...and Christmas is in more than a month...oh what the heck: I have to try them. It's party time!

   I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time! What a pair of miserable folks!

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid

   I feel confidence they're going to be able to hammer out a stimulus deal by Christmas.....of 2021

   "Walking In a Wonderland" is a great Christmas song for Southerners to keep in mind since they don't know how to drive in it.

   Everyone freaking about how 2021 sounds like 2020 won. . . Well 2022 is gonna sound like 2020 too.

   Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for a lifetime...

   Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.

   Halloween is over time to put up the Christmas decorations.

   My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.

   If I had a gold medal, I'd tell people I won it in the Mugging Gold Medalists event.

   It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.

   Today, famous author Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame revealed she left her husband for her female best friend. Future plans include a sequel to the best-selling book entitled "Eat, Pray, Scissor."