Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I hear Sam Elliott narrating a commercial, the only thing I hear my head is "Don't eat the big white mint"

   Life is a Kaleidoscope after few beers! *Sunday Closed*

   Staringat his blood covered hands muttering, "what did I do for this Klondike bar?".

   #Why #is #the #latest #trend #to #abuse #the "#" #symbol #in #a #status? #English #teachers #have #Twitter #to #thank #for #this! #######

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   Hey Jalen Rose, these Fab 5 actually won a championship. So shut your mouth!

   I get so forgetful during sex... wrong username or wrong safe word every time.

   Hoping to see some eyes come peepin around the camera's lens on Curiosity. Or at least a gnarled 3 fingered claw....

   I mean this is the nicest possible way...~ someone who is about to make you swallow every anti-depressant in your house.

   I found a few ways to use feminism to my own benefit -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

   What if Mayans were right, and we find ourselves stuck in a #Speck held on an elephant trunk just like Dr. Seuss foretold in "Horton hears a who!"

   someone corrected my grammar once and my grampar kicked their a$$...

   Nice try, girls who make up for being fat with makeup, designer bags and shoes. Nice try.

   the taste of you that lingers in my mouth makes me sick every morning

   It's not about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean... I've never seen small ships make big waves!!! Just sayin'......

   With all the meat related revelations of the past week, I'm waiting in anticipation to hear the truth about Mrs Balls Chutney.

   Dear fellow countrymen, please watch Press TV now! Lot of smart America ns being interviewed (regarding korea war)which you will never see in major media networks.

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   Dont say you miss her when youre the reason why she left ...#TeamNoGoingDownTown