Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've really got to quit telling people about my wedding. The guest list is out of control & the Bride may not even have been born yet!

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   Nonsense sometimes makes sense!

   think I will go to the mall and watch people trip on an escalator

   Notices that should be on packaging #1 "I said open the OTHER end you daft twat... Now get a dust pan and brush"

   "Were sorry; the new Facebook is back up."

   The snow is always lighter on the other side of the road

   This just in Mr.Cee & Bishop Eddie long got the leading roles in "Brokeback Mountain 2" it's directed by TAKE IT TO THE FACE !!! productions.

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air drums sitting on your throne...

   Sometimes you see more when you stop looking. Except when I'm at your bedroom window. Then I see EVERYTHING.

   the best sort of perfection in life, funnily enough, comes in the form of imperfection!

   Scientists: Red heads are more prone to skin cancer. Rest of the world: No s hit nerd...

   Mary Jane is not a ho, so don't hit it and quit

   It is my mission to make you laugh so hard you will cry before you die.

   Sometimes... when I'm bored, I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb (o O)

   Don't try and fix me, just love me dammit!

   My plans for getting laid are getting dusty.

   Surge has an ego problem hes trying to fill online...pathetic

   I willing to bet all those students with sick student loans weren't business majors...

   doesn't wear a yellow hat when he goes to the zoo because he doesn't want any of the monkeys following him home.