Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air drums sitting on your throne...

   Sometimes you see more when you stop looking. Except when I'm at your bedroom window. Then I see EVERYTHING.

   the best sort of perfection in life, funnily enough, comes in the form of imperfection!

   Scientists: Red heads are more prone to skin cancer. Rest of the world: No s hit nerd...

   Mary Jane is not a ho, so don't hit it and quit

   It is my mission to make you laugh so hard you will cry before you die.

   Sometimes... when I'm bored, I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb (o O)

   Don't try and fix me, just love me dammit!

   My plans for getting laid are getting dusty.

   Surge has an ego problem hes trying to fill online...pathetic

   I willing to bet all those students with sick student loans weren't business majors...

   doesn't wear a yellow hat when he goes to the zoo because he doesn't want any of the monkeys following him home.

   Every time I hear Sam Elliott narrating a commercial, the only thing I hear my head is "Don't eat the big white mint"

   Life is a Kaleidoscope after few beers! *Sunday Closed*

   Staringat his blood covered hands muttering, "what did I do for this Klondike bar?".

   #Why #is #the #latest #trend #to #abuse #the "#" #symbol #in #a #status? #English #teachers #have #Twitter #to #thank #for #this! #######

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   Hey Jalen Rose, these Fab 5 actually won a championship. So shut your mouth!

   I get so forgetful during sex... wrong username or wrong safe word every time.

   Hoping to see some eyes come peepin around the camera's lens on Curiosity. Or at least a gnarled 3 fingered claw....