Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help support heating assistance programs....Ladies post photos of your cold nips.

   I came...I saw....I decided to order take out !

   my children are ARE well behaved!! everyone just has high standards

   X was here but now she's gone. She left her name to carry on. Those who knew her knew her well. Those who didn't can go to hell.

   Who the hell does my cat keep sleeping with to fall pregnant - she's the neighbourhood sharmouta :( I raised a skanky cat !!! *TEARS*

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, get to work are your fat a#s is fired

   Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward.

   How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but no one rubs your balls and says, "good job"?

   You'll never guess what came in my mail todday. The mailman did :(

   Let her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...

   Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?

   A Woman Finding Out AFTER Long Search On Net That..... "Phillip's 21 Inch" Was Actually Just a T.V.

   X-Box Kinect - Just one more thing people in wheelchairs can't enjoy.

   I just pitched A&E Network on a show. A Jevvish spinoff on Duck Dynasty. Schmuck Dynasty. Too soon?

   I thought Game of War was some kind of breast inhancement app. I was wrong.

   Who cares if its back to the future day The real version is Marty is on welfare and Doc is in jail for touching little boys.

   With show after show about it on the History Channel, I'm starting to think the Holocaust might have really happened.

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.