Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "who are you?" --- "Im fine!"

   I never realized how strong I was...until being strong is the only choice I have left ♡

   But what if a Liverpool fan actually wants to walk alone so that he can fart in privacy?

   #5, #22, #23, #29, & #6 I know they're just jersey #'s but they really do mean so much more t o me right now!

   I love you, flushable baby wipes.

   The American Quarter Horse has unique features that make it specially suited for a variety of tasks. Ya, Quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds. Coincidence ?

   I think I might have a natural immunity to Ebola. I get feverish, diarrhea and vomiting symptoms most Sunday mornings....

   I really wish some people would do the ice bucket challenge with petrol.... As they where smoking

   Somedays, I'm just a walkin', talkin' meat bag full of awesome.

   I do hate big butts but I can lie. I don't want to seem shallow.

   when I bath I turn off all the lights and pretend I'm still in the womb, then I jump out turn on the lights and start crying....

   Been throwing up gang signs at my mom all morning. Now she won't make me lunch.

   not seeing the pics from my southern friends of the 80 degree weather they usuallly post to us up North.Just pics of frozen windshields and idiots who don't own an ice scraper.

   I hate when so much Peanut Butter is gone from the jar that you can't reach it with your fingers any more. I'm just kidding! Who sticks their fingers in the Peanut Butter jar like that anyway??

   I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

   I am born of physics, compiled by chemistry, evolved by biology, exist in ecology and decay into geology.

   If a person dooesn't have "bingo wings" how can you sleep with them during night. Bare bones!

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   You can't see the forest through the bees.

   Human rights bill currently prevents cabinet ministers from being executed by anti-aircraft missile.