Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I bath I turn off all the lights and pretend I'm still in the womb, then I jump out turn on the lights and start crying....

   Been throwing up gang signs at my mom all morning. Now she won't make me lunch.

   not seeing the pics from my southern friends of the 80 degree weather they usuallly post to us up North.Just pics of frozen windshields and idiots who don't own an ice scraper.

   I hate when so much Peanut Butter is gone from the jar that you can't reach it with your fingers any more. I'm just kidding! Who sticks their fingers in the Peanut Butter jar like that anyway??

   I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

   I am born of physics, compiled by chemistry, evolved by biology, exist in ecology and decay into geology.

   If a person dooesn't have "bingo wings" how can you sleep with them during night. Bare bones!

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   You can't see the forest through the bees.

   Human rights bill currently prevents cabinet ministers from being executed by anti-aircraft missile.

   Today is National Cheese Day! So let us each take a moment and pray for all the hapless imbeciles in the world who foolishly ask "Would you like that with Cheese?"

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   Wonder which one of the Looney Toons is going to bang LeBrons mom on Space Jam 2?

   911: "How can I help you?" Me: "This thong is wedged so far up my ass that I..." 911: click

   I bet if I flashed my hand grenade this guy would let me merge

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   Since the Jonas brothers break up.. they've come to an agreement to see each other during the holidays. . .

   am I the only one worried about the the fact that the amount of people that are taking craps in water. THIS CAN'T BE HEALTHY PEOPLE!!!!!!!

   Drinking Red Bull cured me, Conclusion; my cells allowed bacteria and viruses inside to kill them for sport.