Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!

   it just me or does the new pitch-man in the Vonage commercials look like a crazy Irish homeless caveman??

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   Lady referee: What? What happened, why did he run into the other team? Throw it, throw it, throw it…why didn't he throw it??? You wants more dip?

   "Girls Gone Wild"....Just Sequestered President Obama..I Betcha!

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. I got you a Justin Bieber CD.

   when people refer to "the world's oldest profession" do they mean gardening?...Genesis refers to a Garden of Eden in the beginning

   I am the type of guy who will not hesitate to tell a midget to grow up!

   What did Arnold scwhatzneger and Tiger wood say to the General P? ...... ew still working on a punchline...

   Just finished writing "Cyber Monday does NOT mean what I thought it meant" 100,000x Can I go home now Sister Rose?

   Old people can sleep through anything. Betting this chainsaw says differently.

   Got 99 problems but your being so hot can solve sex of them.

   Life was easier and simpler when I was apart of the Sheepeople herd.

   Can Travelocity help me find a vacant womb for the weekend?

   Don't you wish your stalker was hot like me? Don't you wish your stalker was far like me? Don't you?

   You ever fart so loud that your ex-girlfriend calls you to see how you're doing?

   whip it ! whip it real good !

   Do your Moobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?

   wondering why people say "Bring it!" in a fight. Bring what?

   thought it was called physical education, not physical movement!