Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, the most dangerous plaything.

   Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   I bet people working at the U.S treasury make a lot of money. (I write my own jokes)

   for sale ;;;; one shaky chair...and some rope..

   I DO WHAT I WANT! WHEN I WANT! WHERE I WANT!...... if Mom says its ok...

   Kim "Chinky Chang Small Wang Jong" is dead :D

   Chivalry isn't dead, it now just wants the @nal.

   To make someone happy, give them three things: Attention, Affection and Appreciation.

   Going to the movies to watch Oculus today like the good lord intended

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   Hillary has been sending me sexual explicit emails for years. . .

   Wished I loved anything as much as my dog loves smelling human crouches.

   Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

   I'm sorry if I was rude to you earlier. I honestly thought you were the ugly one in your profile picture.

   Broke parents are why I have trust fund issues.

   I am about to boil some water that I want to freeze later......does anyone happen to know what temperatures I should use to do this????

   I don't use turn signals when I drive because a lady never tells.

   Accidently sent a naked pic to everyone in my address book. Cost me a fortune in postage!