Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tiger woods favorite song is "Black and Yellow" cause he is half black and asian

   Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

   my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, Nick, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something..

   I have a dilemma, I follow the golden rule don't trust a girl who says she only has a friend (Biz Markie), but what do I do when she has 671 facebook friends?

   Why do men chose to mess with a lot of mediocre women when they can have ONE great one? I guess Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) excite them.

   I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

   you know its time to get a girlfriend when you start looking for socks behind the dryer..

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   Sometimes when I see ugly people at the gym I think, "What's the point? You can't workout the face."

   "Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster

   We gotta get out of this place..if its the last thing we ever do.!

   Here's an Idea. Instead of putting your hands on your hips to make you look thiner. Why don't you just lose weight?? Just Sayin.

   I got 99 problem, and dealing with you is all of them.

   My garter snake don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   One secret has kept our relationship going for all these years; whenever we argue and are mad at each other, we go to bed naked that night.

   "Latin , Latin smooth as satin que hora es it's Latin time!!"

   about 3 twinkies away from being sawed out of my bedroom ...nom nom nom

   The only time I ever drink ginger ale is on a plane. WTF is up with that?

   I'm not saying she's a slut... but she's been licked more times than Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.