Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the sweat of a billion camels invade your crouch and armpits and the smell of a million skunks invade your breath!

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.

   A Bagel: A roll with a hole. A F@t Girl: A hole with a roll.

   My FB movie is just 10 years of life kicking my in the balls...

   How does Ice T order an iced tea without sounding like a douche?

   Destroy you're Ex by calling them you're previous Ex next time you bump into them.

   People who have more than 10 items in the express line… Well Fu#k you to

   I make guys nervous when I go braless... Because at that point... They see I have bigger balls than they do!

   Come over here and I’ll show you what the girl I cheated on you with did in bed.

   This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.

   Where are all the Cubs fans now?

   If you're a good enough cook, fat people will let you pet them while they're eating.

   Make sure the important people in your life know how important they are before it’s too late.

   Kim Kardashian in a fender bender REAR ENDER!! obviously nobody hurt!! Air bag went off but then again Kanye always does!

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   essential to a balanced diet

   having a facebook moment!

   wonders why some men cultivate on their face that which grows freely on their arses?

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas