Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOTE TO SELF: Buy most Post-Its. You're all out.

   I eat the green crayon cuz the green one tastes the best!

   Goodbye mistletoe belt bucket....hello mistletoe boxer shorts.

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

   When you lie to everyone else. You're only lying to yourself.

   Ladies - Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).

   your so vain I bet you think this status is about you

   people who have pitbulls are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves!

   Cinco de Mayo...when we commemorate the sinking of the great Spanish Mayonnaise flotilla which liberated Mexico from the iron grip of the Spanish mayonnaise monopolies...

   is thinking that Facebook must be female. Just when you think you've figured her all out, she change...

   LOVE- Lets Over View Eachother

   the difference between a goon and a goblin

   The light at the end of the tunnel is still on. It's just controlled with a motion sensor to conserve enrgy!

   had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, until he broke it off!

   Fantasy sentence for pedophiles, rapists & animal abusers: Reduce the size of the license plate production zone and build a non-sterile room for use exclusively to test beauty products and corrosive industrial cleaning products on said wastes of skin.

   Females be killing me with that Trey Songz is my Baby Daddy! ...B1TCH that n1gga don't even know you exist, shut cho lonely @ss up!

   Some woman calls me the UPS man, because I deliver that package right on time.

   i just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by getting my daughters batteries with toys not included for Christmas this year.

   Anyone know how to open a washing machine door from the inside?