Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.

   If there was an earthquake today, Marty McFly wouldn't notice.

   Every man is the master of his own destiny. You are your own god or devil. Your soul belongs to only you.

   Not to brag but Ive never had a one night stand ...they always come back for more

   Here in London we play football with our feet and we wear helmets when riding bikes

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, I'd like to get high and have a beer with him.

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I think this is gonna burn. Makes you wonder... can nipples burn from disinfectant?

   MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

   went to pizza hut and there was sign outside .It said "look out for the new Menu"... I walked in and it and it hit me in the back of the head

   I watched Major league last night where Charlie sheen was known for his fast ball. Ironically.....he is now known for his 8-ball

   : "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, & especially his third cou

   lots of chicks have big fat titties. the ass is where its at. if you have to ask what "it" is, run along now.

   I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

   I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

   In my school days, I used to hate that one kid who always used to remind the teacher about tests, homework and quizzes. But sometimes I wonder how his life turned out though.

   Chess Master Plots Brilliant Attack On Wife!

   I think the Angry Birds could use some anger management counselling. Mellow out, my cranky avian bros!

   Onions can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make ppl laugh

   May peace break into your home and thieves come to steal your debts,May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for 100$$ bills!May love stick to your face like vasilene and may laughter assault your lips!May happyness slap you across your the face and

   breaking news cat stuck in a tree, only fox.. .