Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

   ^ Fah-Q! v Fah-Q! and > Fah-Q! Whose next?

   I once had a dream I was eating the world's worst tasing chocolate pudding...I woke up with a spoon in my ass.

   I sneezed pretty bad, mid-dump, and ended up 6 minutes in the future.

   Bound-up. Can't drop a deuce. Damn you cheese.....

   You need to be slaves first before you can get your own History month.

   The worst part about having a teenager is every time I lose my weed, I freak out and wonder if my son took it.

   When I was a kid I was really scared of the dark. Two of them mugged me and stole

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   And nobody finds it curious that UFOs only land in the USA? Thats where all the idiots that creat them live.

   To all the faatt h oezss that only take pics from the neck up .... good try but I'm a master a detecting hippos

   I now have 98 problems (thanks to abortion).

   You know you're a 90's kid if you remember when Nickelback was decent.

   I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!

   Wow....Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean. I'm good.

   Living in Oklahoma I get a lot of dumb questions like "Where's the Buffalo?" & "why do I have to show you my bo0bies for directions to the buffalo?"

   I really thought my missus was joking when she said Davy Jones had died. Then I saw her face......... now I'm a believer.......

   so if an old lady who wants to bang young guys is called a Cougar I guess an old man who wants to bang little boys would be called a Nittany Lion?

   "Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"

   If a stripper has company, does she offer them two cups of T and some A?