Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all the faatt h oezss that only take pics from the neck up .... good try but I'm a master a detecting hippos

   I now have 98 problems (thanks to abortion).

   You know you're a 90's kid if you remember when Nickelback was decent.

   I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!

   Wow....Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean. I'm good.

   Living in Oklahoma I get a lot of dumb questions like "Where's the Buffalo?" & "why do I have to show you my bo0bies for directions to the buffalo?"

   I really thought my missus was joking when she said Davy Jones had died. Then I saw her face......... now I'm a believer.......

   so if an old lady who wants to bang young guys is called a Cougar I guess an old man who wants to bang little boys would be called a Nittany Lion?

   "Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"

   If a stripper has company, does she offer them two cups of T and some A?

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing. :)

   The white house staff has more turnovers than a bakery.

   Trump condemns Hurricane Harvey for violence and devastation, but insists "Texans have provoked Mother Nature. There's blame on many sides."

   What's trump's favorite cereal? Cheeri O's, the cereal made for little hands.

   When you clean your vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?

   Marriage tip #6: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   A thing I learned during the past four years: Bad behavior gets you nowhere.

   [Jesus breaks bread] This is my body [Jesus pours wine] This is my blood [Jesus brings out Alex Trebek] and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

   not GAY!!!! But his boyfriend is....

   Other than THAT, Mrs. Kennedy...how did you enjoy the ride in the convertible?