Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was playing with myself.

   "Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch,it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size...

   Dear parents: Oh really? I'm a liar? What about the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus? Sincerely, your child.

   147 mass shootings in US already this year: let's make it easier to buy guns....2 cases of voter fraud in 2020: let's make it harder to vote (rolls eyes back).

   GLAD AND GLAAD... Both great to associate with garbage. "Don't get mad, like GLAAD" ignorant libs!

   I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation with Coprophagia, a little Cyclic vomiting syndrome and a cup...Yea that's some real love :)

   How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

   I need to find a hobby that does not include my debit card.

   Dear atheist, if God doesn't exist, then explain why Kim Kardashian is famous?

   today I saw a duck with a garbage bad around its neck, but instead of helping him, I sang the theme song for dark wing duck.

   has decided instead of skinny dipping she'll go chunky dunking.

   advises; never pass a bathroom, never waste a woody and never, ever trust a fart.

   Its says "omg Cholesterol" on my Box of Honey Nut Cheerios... is that bad???

   tonights "Built Ford Tough" Player of the Game

   preparing to defend himself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the REFLEXES of a puma, and the WISDOM of a man!

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to

   I suggest FB replace the "Like" button with "OMAHA!!"

   My D + Your V = Good Times

   Any of my DIY friends need a "Stud Finder"?? Nothing wrong with it, just every time I pick it up to use it... the damn thing goes crazy!!!