Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe Adam Lambert would hold one in his jaw until the swelling goes down.

   David Hasselhoff's liver is soo shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to the side of it, you can hear it going: ‘What you talkin' about Willis?"

   On a walk, my stepdaughter saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.

   Burger King and Dairy Queen live in a White Castle, down the street from the Golden Arch and they have a daughter named Wendy.

   don't worry about your boyfriend dumping you, there's plenty of fish in the sea.......whats that?...There's an oil spill?....

   How is Monday the 13th not as scary as Friday the 13th?!

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier lady at the 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   If your woman is overweight, carry her on your back then suddenly fall. That way she'll know she needs to cut back on the fast food without you ever saying anything.

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   :To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... Very good try.

   how can you tell a japanese prostitute from the others?..she is the one in the fish nets

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   Hang on a sec, I'm about this close to getting the hi-score on Donkey Kong!!

   going to freeze some sperm for later use in life, but wonders if the ice cube tray makes a suitable container

   I'm not lady gaga but I too want to take a ride on your disco stick

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self-centered lives already in progress.

   My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.

   I really loved that Stormy Daniels interview on 60 minutes. Best 60 minute of my life!

   Silence is golden, but Duct tape is silver.

   What Do Roads And Women Have In Common...."Manholes"