Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.

   I'm allergic to people with peanut allergies. I end up choking to death because thats what happens when you put a whole person in your mouth

   I wish every chick with STD'S had "6 fingers" i'd be like "Let me see ya hands, Biatch you ain't slick trying hide that extra pinky"

   Nobody wished me a happy birthday today,,, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.

   the early bird gets the worm...but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese

   My old Grandad's motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you." He died of radiation poisoning.

   THIS JUST IN... Isis has announced they will start targeting Golf courses... and Obama has decided to take up shuffleboard.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

   One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if I could help her check her balance... so I pushed her over

   Have you ever turned off your alarm and gone back to sleep for just a few more minutes but end up waking up 48951 centuries later

   I propose we add an eight day to the week . We shall call it... Saturday two!!

   Did you know the same goes for an atheist or one on a gluten free diet?

   It hurts to lose old friends, but when your paths diverge you shouldn't take the low road just fit the company.

   I'm keeping up with the Kardashians ..... my dad I s gone too

   Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo' Drizzle

   I am moving to Colorado they just legalized marijuana for recreational purposes.

   i can't sing but I do have other oral talents.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   I often wonder, people with full body art tattoos. Does their $hit come out rainbow colored. . .