Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!"

   my kid jus got a bag of m&m's and some were naked. Thats obsene, I'm writing the company

   3 words 8 letters That lead to instant popularity... "I HAVE GUM"

   thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit

   im hungry like a homeless fat guy that made his home out of wafflehouse menus...

   I dont know who gets around more " The Duggars or Hermain Cain".

   I enjoyed the Episode of SIX and the CITY. (Man United 1 - 6 Man City)

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   This sexy bird looked at my beer belly and said "Is that carlsberg or tetleys? " I replied" "theres a tap underneath love if you wanna taste it!"

   Its so cold outside this black lady told me "you gonna freeze to deaf". Now I know why they wear toboggans all the time.

   I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.

   I'm allergic to people with peanut allergies. I end up choking to death because thats what happens when you put a whole person in your mouth

   I wish every chick with STD'S had "6 fingers" i'd be like "Let me see ya hands, Biatch you ain't slick trying hide that extra pinky"

   Nobody wished me a happy birthday today,,, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.

   the early bird gets the worm...but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese

   My old Grandad's motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you." He died of radiation poisoning.

   THIS JUST IN... Isis has announced they will start targeting Golf courses... and Obama has decided to take up shuffleboard.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

   One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if I could help her check her balance... so I pushed her over