Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought Trump said for every CEO that drops out of the Manufacturing Council, he have many to take their place. Was he lying? No he can't be, because he's Trump.

   gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   Thank You Rich Rod for an Amazing 3 Years, your time has been greatly appreciated! - The Rest of the Big Ten

   You want me on your wall! You need me on your wall!

   Ugly strikes one out of every three people...

   thanx to my ex GF,I now have to shave between eyebrows because "stupid me" let her wax there one nite for sh*ts and giggles

   currently watching a jailbait parade

   I think I want a 3D bigscreen, now I just need 3 grand....

   A penny saved is a penny earned. But its easier just to take from the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar at the store. Afterall, that's why its there.

   A Pennsylvania woman alleges Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her at Epcot Center in Florida after she sought an autograph. Mickey and Minnie witnessed the event. Mr. Duck could not be reached for comment.

   Do you ever log on to Facebook just to spend 3 hours checking other people's profile just to see their recent activities?

   I was riding shotgun in an old man's truck when his cell phone rang. He checked who it was and said, 'I have to take this' then pulled over, parked, then answered the phone. What?

   Were drunk! you dont have to know or like me to make passionate movie love to me!! Tomorrow we'll act like it never happend!

   Shall We Play a Game?

   wake me up when September ends.

   thinks that tomorrow today will be yesterday

   If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

   Dear Search and Rescue, my Appetite seems to have gone on a wrong bus..haven't seen him in days. Last seen wearing a cheese burger and some chips. If found please return to me. Pls treat as urgent. Thank you

   Banks today are sending out pre-declined offers!

   I blame my addiction on violent movies and video games on my dad giving me the movie RoboCop when I was 5.