Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose and lay an egg in your sinuses.

   I have a six pack and a gut so the ladies get the best of both worlds

   2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.

   SHARKNADO 2 took 18 days to film....credit to everyone... it totally looks like a 24 day shoot to me!!!

   I hate when there are other people at the bank.

   System, please delete all my feelings for her. WARNING: The file is too big. Might take years to delete.

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   The worst thing in life is smiling at someone who doesn't even worth a kick in the crotch.

   The French are horrible at robbing banks. As soon as they get out of the bank with the money, they go straight to police station and surrender.

   Why did the turtle cross the road? ...To get to the shell station!

   My Futon pulls out, but I dont

   Coffee so strong I see noises.

   I don't like a sentence containing a word with first Capital letter in the middle of it. It has a clear bias.

   If the only text you receive all day is from your phone company saying that you've exhausted your data for the month, you ugly.

   We are compensating for Global Warming by leaving the caps on plastic bottles...

   if you can`t beat them...get some duct tape,rope,and a tazor >:3

   I would say Happy Thanksgiving but no one cares cuz they're hungover

   YOU Can't even Understand Normal Thinking

   happy CAPS LOCK DAY

   the orginal Peanut Butter Twix was so much better than the newer PB Twix.